When an experienced, well-known relationship and sex therapist is
married to a talented, award-winning artist, what do you get? A
beautifully illustrated book for couples who are in it for the
long haul, and who wish to keep it fresh. The perfect gift for
Bridal Showers, Anniversaries, or Valentine's Day, each page in
this book offers a suggestion, a tip, or a reminder of how to
enhance your relationship, accompanied by an adorable illustration
(some of which are quite sexually explicit). The illustrations
focus on heterosexual couples, but most of the content and
suggestions can apply to any romantic relationship. About half of
the book is devoted to tips about how to improve romantic
relationships overall, and the other half focuses on sexual
matters.
This book is entertaining, lighthearted, fun, and a quick read --
an invitation for partners to re-read it over and over again.
Couples who take the time and make an effort to "work" on their
relationship and keep it fresh, will find this book instrumental
in creating and maintaining happier, healthier, and more
fulfilling relationships.
This book is dedicated to all the couples and individuals who,
over the years, inspired me and taught me so much about
relationships.
There is no "one size fits all" check-list to follow. This is
not a "10 ways to improve your relationship" manual. I suggest
you look through these pages with your partner, enjoy the
drawings, and discuss each idea to see if it fits your unique
relationship and personalities. You may want to modify a
suggestion, or even come up with a new idea altogether. There is
no "right" or "wrong" when it comes to your relationship,
because it's your relationship, and you know yourselves better
than anyone else.
However, it's important to keep your relationship lively and
interesting; boredom, monotony, and stagnation are
relationships' executioners. If you take the time, and make an
effort to "work" on your relationship and
keep it fresh, you'll find many unique ways to
make your relationship and sex life more satisfying and
fulfilling.
As a sex therapist, I purposefully refrained from discussing
sexual techniques in this book. I believe that if you focus too
much on techniques and performance, you may forget to enjoy your
sexual experience. The mechanics of sex are not particularly
important -- what's more central to lovemaking is learning to
enjoy the moment, allowing yourselves to be vulnerable, and
having no goals other than to be present with each other and see
where it goes. Putting techniques, performance, and goals aside,
you may be able to grow and experience new and better sexual
encounters.
The suggestions in this book illustrate
basic requirements for a happy, healthy, and fulfilling
relationship:
(1) Each partner appreciates, respects, and accepts the other
person as they are.
In happy and healthy relationships, the partners do not try to
change each other. They accept the other person as they are, and
they learn to deal with the little things that bother them about
the other person; after all, no one is perfect. The partners in
happy and healthy relationships appreciate and respect one
another. Despite inevitable flaws entailed in being human, they
see each other as equals, and they want to be together because
they appreciate, respect, and accept each other as they are.
(2) Each partner continuously demonstrates, in various ways,
their love for the other person:
Loving each other is important, but it's not sufficient. In
happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships, the partners know
it's necessary to convey their feelings in a way that is
meaningful to their partner. It is a wonderful feeling to be
loved, and it can feel even better to love another.
Long before I learned about Gary Chapman's book The Five Love
Languages, I had been telling my clients that there are six ways
to express love:
- Saying, "I love you," I miss you," etc.
- Doing things for your partner,
- Spending time with your partner,
- Buying gifts for your partner,
- Displaying physical affection, and
-
Engaging in sexual/intimate activities with your partner.
Finding out what "languages" their partner "speaks," and
communicating their love in those "languages" is key. Showing
interest in the partner is essential as well. This means being
authentically curious about their partner's day, and about their
experiences, well-being, needs, and wishes. Asking questions and
demonstrating interest in the partner conveys love, caring, and
attentiveness.
In happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships, the partners
know that romantic love is conditional. Therefore, they
continuously look for different, meaningful ways to show the
other person that they are loved. Practice makes perfect. Loving
and showing your love is like a muscle. The more you use it, the
stronger it gets. And, expressing love in various ways helps to
keep it fresh.
(3) The partners know how to communicate and argue/fight
respectfully and constructively.
I cannot stress enough how important good communication is to a
healthy and happy relationship. Since most couples struggle with
this issue, there is much to be said about healthy communication
practices.
In happy and healthy relationships, partners never assume they
know what the other partner wants, and they never expect their
partner to presume to know what they want. Instead, they rely on
communication, which significantly helps avoid
misunderstandings. They don't finish each other's sentences, nor
do they jump in and interrupt when the other is talking. They
are patient and respectful, and they let their partner finish
expressing their thought.
When one partner speaks, it is their responsibility to confirm
that the other partner heard and understood them. They also know
it is their responsibility to choose the appropriate time and
place for the conversation.
When they listen, they know it is their responsibility to be an
active listener. They show interest, ask questions, say things
like, "Aha," and "I hear you." They don't roll their eyes, check
their phone, or walk away. They are patient and courteous.
The partners use "I" statements and focus on their feelings
rather than using blaming and accusatory statements. They don't
say, "You annoy me when you forget to turn off the light."
Instead, they say, "I feel annoyed whenever I see the light is
on and no one is in the room."
When partners plan an activity, both share their opinion or
preference. They avoid saying, "I don't know; whatever you
want," which is indecisive, unattractive, and sometimes
annoying, as is apologizing all the time for every little thing.
In happy and healthy relationships, the partners always remember
that they are on the same team. Even when they feel angry at
each other, they recognize that they still love one another, and
that this difficult moment will pass.
When they argue, they attend to one subject at a time, and they
don't bring up other issues from the past. They don't say, "You
do this too," which is never helpful and can only escalate the
conflict.
The partners don't take things personally. Instead, they listen
to each other, try to empathize, and seek to really understand
where the other is coming from.
They don't say things they may later regret. They don't threaten
divorce, make other promises, or give ultimatums. They don't
call each other names or use language that is offensive to one
of them.
If things start to get out of hand, they take time-out and let
their partner know when they will resume the discussion. During
time-out they go to another room or even outside to cool off and
gather their thoughts. Then, they reconvene to finish and
resolve their disagreement. They know that if they don't resolve
issues, the next time they have an argument, about anything,
unresolved issues will come back to haunt them.
The partners in happy and healthy relationships don't shut down
and become distant and withdrawn. They know that shutting down
and not communicating can be devastating to their partner and to
their relationship.
They don't wait for apologies, and they don't hold grudges. They
always try to be the bigger person, and say, "I'm sorry" first,
even if they don't think it's their fault. They acknowledge
their partner's pain and apologize because they don't want their
partner to feel hurt.
Most importantly, the partners in a happy and healthy
relationship know they should never win an argument. They know
it's not about who is right; it's about not making their partner
feel like a loser. Both partners discuss and find another
solution to the issue at hand; a solution that is not what
either one of them initially proposed. This way, neither partner
feels like they won or lost, and the biggest win goes to the
relationship. By resolving an argument in this way, the partners
turn every dispute into personal and relationship growth.
(4) Each partner continuously thinks of ways to do nice things
for their partner, to show them that they are not being taken
for granted, and to enrich and make the relationship
interesting.
It's so easy to learn to expect things, especially when they
happen regularly. And, it's so easy to forget to show
appreciation. We stop paying attention. If anything, we pay more
attention to the bad stuff. Very often our partners are the ones
who get to see us and experience us when we are in a bad mood,
and we may even take it out on them.
In happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships, the partners do
not take each other for granted, nor do they perceive their
relationship as a given. They know that love is conditional, and
they try to give their partner reasons to continue to love them,
and maybe even to fall in-love with them every day, all over
again. As this book advises, the partners find ways to make
their loved ones feel special and appreciated, and they strive
to enrich their relationship by keeping things
fresh. They travel, keep themselves in shape,
spend time with friends, and always look for new activities to
explore. Routine can be bad! Taking your partner for granted is
worse!
Relish in your relationship. You are
in this for the long haul, so make it the best
it could be. Focus on appreciating and accepting your partner
just the way they are. Make it a priority to show your partner,
in multiple ways, how much you love them and how special they
are to you. Keep it fresh. Look for ways to
make your relationship interesting and fun, and when you do
argue, remember that you are on the same team, and never win an
argument. Allow yourself to be yourself and to be open and
vulnerable with your partner. Don't focus on sexual techniques
and performance; concentrate instead on enjoying the moment and
having no goals other than to be present with each other. Live
each day as though it is your last day together. Please don't
take your partner or your relationship for granted; make them a
priority. Keep working on it.
Keep it fresh. It's worth it!
Enjoy!
Hani Miletski, Ph.D., MSW
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